CLASSICS OF CRAP: VOLUME 21-The Island of Dr. Moreau

Hello out there to all you fans of crap cinema. For this week's Classics of Crap we are going to look at one of the embarrassing last movies of one of the all time acting greats. The Island of Dr. Moreau was one of Marlon Brando's strangest performances, acting in a muumuu and pancake makeup alongside a kooko for cocoa puffs Val Kilmer, and a ton of guys dressed as half men, half animals. You see, Brando plays a mad/evil(?) scientist that tries to perfect humanity by combining their DNA with that of animals. I would have read a few self help books, but be that as it may, his experiments don't end well. The "man-animals" (Terl, is that you?!?) revolt and take their revenge against him and his scientific hubris. The whole, don't mess around with nature or it will kill you story, but this time with hyena men firing uzis. This movie is so bananas insane wonky ridiculous, you can't help but enjoy it. Best part- anytime Dr. Moreau's creepy little assistant is around. This character was actually the inspiration for not only Mini Me in the Austin Powers franchise, but also the tiny sidekick character for Dr. Mephisto on South Park. Still not convinced to watch this movie? HE GETS NAKED. You're welcome.

Scribblin' away again

Some more breaktime sketches I do to stave off the crazy voices in my mind...

CLASSICS OF CRAP: VOLUME 20-Road House

Hey guys, and welcome back to an ass kicking, gut busting, rootin tootin new Classics of Crap. There were a lot of tough guy brawlin' movies in the 80's, but none of them has as much affection or appreciation than the hilariously bad Road House. An instant camp classic when it arrived in theaters in 1989, Road House is a ludicrous movie about a tough (but sensitive!) bar room bouncer who gets caught up in a whole plot of intrigue, including pissing off generic town bad guy Ben Gazzara. On the way, he falls for beautiful Kelly Lynch, while in the movies most random moment ever, a stuffed polar bear falls for a portly 'Bubba redneck' type guy. There is much to like in this overstuffed turkey. The one liners, such as "Pain don't hurt", are priceless. After watching it, you will be so juiced up, you may want to punch somebody. (Probably the filmmakers.) Pain may not hurt, but this movie will.

CLASSICS OF CRAP: VOLUME 19-Mannequin

Something that I've barely touched on in my Classics of Crap series is the romantic comedy. There are so many bad romantic comedies, it's actually kind of difficult to single out the worst of the worst. For some reason, Mannequin leapt to the top (or bottom?) of the pile for me. It is pure, unadulterated awful. The strange thing is, everyone I talked to about seems to have fond memories of this movie. I watched it again for the first time in almost 25 years and was surprised to find that it is far, far worse than I remembered. Only James Spader seems to get what kind of movie this is, and turns in a bizarrely hammy performance. Also, I gotta say, the theme song by Starship is a guilty pleasure, but the rest of the movie is just pathetic. Mannequin? More like ManneCAN'T! *rimshot*

Sketchbook doodles

Here are some more doodles from my sketchbook--and that's all I have to say about that.

CLASSICS OF CRAP: VOLUME 18-Last Action Hero

Hey guys and welcome back to Classics of Crap, where we shine a spotlight on cinema's greatest mistakes. Last Action Hero was a 1993 misfire that must have sounded GREAT on paper. It had the biggest action star in the world in a tongue in cheek action movie that was aware of all the clichés of said action movies. It paired Arnold with a kid, (it worked great in T2), and was loaded with celebrity cameos. Well, as history has shown, it was a dismal failure, due in no small part opening against Jurassic Park. But more than that, it showed that perhaps audiences weren't ready for a "meta" movie just yet. Scream, opening a few years later, was another movie that showed the characters in the film to be aware of movie clichés, but Scream still stood well just as a horror movie, even if you weren't already a fan of the genre. Last Action Hero just laid there, to in-jokey to be really funny to anyone but movie nerds, and not enough real action to satisfy action fans. With the exception of the always excellent Charles Dance as the villain, this movie has been relegated to the bottom of the $5 bin at your local Walmart. Plus, Austin O'Brian is the most annoying kid actor since Jake Lloyd.

CLASSICS OF CRAP: VOLUME 17-Santa Claus Conquers the Martians

Ho Ho Ho, and happy holidays, bad movie buffs! This week's Classic of Crap is an obscure 1964 stinker called Santa Claus Conquers the Martians. If you've seen this flick, you probably watched it on MST3K, as I did. It is unspeakably bad. Bad movies for adults are one thing, but once you enter the arena of watching bad movies made for kids, hooo boy. It's a whole different ball game.

So, about the movie. Martians kidnap Santa Claus and force him to give presents to the good little martian children. Santa, plus two obnoxious kids, fight them off with toys. There's also a giant robot. Yep. I really don't know what else to say about this one. It made me want to gouge my eyes out with a mellon baller. So, should you watch it? Hell no. Stay far away. Just watching the trailer will break your soul.

CLASSICS OF CRAP: VOLUME 16-The Lawnmower Man

Hey bad movie lovers, and welcome back to Classics of Crap. Today's crap movie is one that probably means a lot to you if you were a kid in the early 90's. I remember seeing The Lawnmower Man with friends at a mall in Chicago, and afterwords watching other kids use a virtual reality simulator they set up in the mall, very similar to what you saw in the movie. At the time virtual reality was quite a hot idea. You paid 40 bucks for a half hour of pretending you were in a virtual room picking up a virtual pencil, or blasting a virtual mech suit.

Lawnmower Man came right at the crest of the fad, trumpeting its revolutionary computer effects. Were they impressive at the time? Sure. Do they age well? Hell no. But ripping on a movie because of its outdated effects isn't fair. I'd rather champion this movie for all it does right. For example: Virtual Reality possessed monkey getting blown away! Guy getting chopped up by a lawnmower! Virtual sex scene! Bad guy's face getting turned into marbles! Priest bursting into digital flame! Incredible homosexual tension between the two male leads! Wait, what? Yup. If you haven't seen Lawnmower Man in a while, go back and rewatch what could possibly be the most overt sexual tension between two guys since Lord of the Rings. Check it out, and I'll be back next week for another Classic of Crap!

Sketching away again

Some more pages of breaktime sketches...

CLASSICS OF CRAP: VOLUME 15-Plan 9 From Outer Space

Welcome movie nerds, and thanks for reading my 15th edition of Classics of Crap, where every week we take a look at cinema's finest failures. "Plan 9 From Outer Space" is probably the best known "so-bad-it's good" movie ever. Made in the 50's by Ed Wood, it was pretty much ignored until the early 80's, when it was famously dubbed, "The worst movie ever made", and garnered a whole new following from college stoners to ironic hipsters. I first saw this flick in college on video and I thought it was pretty awesomely terrible. There were so many bad 50's b-movies, but this one really stood out to me as being more incompetent than most. (Best part: recently zombified slab of beef Tor Johnson struggling to get out of a grave.) The 1994 film Ed Wood, which shed some light on the making of this movie, really piqued my interest in Ed Wood, and gave a little context to the making of his cinematic disasters. Should you watch it? Definitely. It makes a great double feature with Ed Wood's next best film, "Bride of the Monster". If you don't think you can watch the movie by itself, Rifftrax has a great commentary DVD on it that makes the pill a little less bitter. But really, this movie is awesome. You'd have to have a stupid Earthling mind to miss it. Stupid! Stupid! Stupid!