Friday, November 25, 2011
Hey guys! Welcome back to Classics of Crap, where we dig up cinema's finest garbage.
The early 70's brought a strange resurgence of Nazi imagery to pop culture from the satirical (The Producers), the psychological (The Night Porter), to the exploitational. Ilsa, She Wolf of the SS was the first of several Ilsa movies that I caught a few years back on video. Like most mondo cinema, these bizarre Nazi torture porn movies were all about degrading and objectifying women. I found a lot of what was in them really distasteful, but since the movie is so over the top, it because almost humorous. My favorite Ilsa movie, "Ilsa, Harem Keeper of the Oil Sheiks" is actually quite hilarious and features a German caricature being offered a young boy to, um, service him. He protests, acting as if he is in a sitcom, proclaiming he is not gay. Then, when the boy takes off his clothes, he changes his mind. Hey, what are you gonna do, right?
I actually don't recommend watching these. They are pretty hardcore, especially for squeamish viewers, but if you are in the mood to see some goofy topless Nazis torturing and killing, knock yourself out.
Sunday, November 20, 2011
Welcome back to Classics of Crap, another sojourn into the wild world of awful, but great, but awful films.
I love monster mash movies. When I was a kid, I adored Abbot and Costello Meet Frankenstein, The Monster Squad, Son of Frankenstein, anything that paired up classic monsters. There was something so whimsical about them. For me, they had lost the power to scare, and had, by the mid 80's, been relegated to only spoofs. Enter the barely remembered Transylvania 6-5000, a hokey monster goofball flick starring Ed Junior Begley and Gold Jeffblum, if I'm remembering that right.
And then there's Michael Richards. As a kid, I thought his wild antics were the zenith of comedy. After reviewing the movie again, well, not so much. Still, there is much to like, such as Geena Davis' 'sexy' vampire costume. A few of the one liners are pretty memorable, like "I never counted on bazonkers!" I have fond memories watching this movie over and over as a kid, nearly pissing myself laughing. Watching it again, i think I cracked a smile once or twice. It's the perfect movie to watch after a lobotomy.
Sunday, November 13, 2011
Welcome back again, dear readers, to another edition of Classics of Crap, where every week I take a look at one famously awful movie and illustrate it.
Sylvester Stallone has made some terrible, terrible movies. Rhinestone, Judge Dredd, Assassins, Daylight, Oscar, The Specialist, The Expendables, etc etc. But of all the lousy films he's made, Sly (according to IMDB), thinks that Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot is his biggest failure. That pretty much says all you need to know.
This movie is mostly remembered as the one with Golden Girl, Estelle Getty holding a handgun and swearing. But it is so, SO much more. It has endless, repetitive jokes about moms talking about their grown sons when they were babies, hilariously bad action scenes, Stallone in a diaper, and possibly the worst tag/joke at the end of a movie I've ever seen. What is it? I'll never tell. So, should you track this movie down and watch it? Heavens, why not. It's not like you are doing anything else this weekend.
Sunday, November 6, 2011
Hey guys, and welcome back to Classics of Crap, where I illustrate one of my favorite so-bad-it's-great movies every week. For my money, you can't have a list of crappy movies without including John Travolta's epic sci-fi clusterf**k, Battlefield Earth. Set in the year 3000, this would-be epic pits the last few remaining humans against a race of conquering aliens called Psychlos. Because the humans have regressed back to an almost primitive state, you could have almost called this movie "Cavemen vs. Aliens". That sounds pretty awesome, but alas, what is on the screen is nothing short of a hilarious cinematic disaster.
Much ink has been spilled over how bad this movie is, so I won't delve to deeply into criticizing the direction, the acting, etc. What I will say is that it makes for a spectacular lesson in celebrity schadenfreude. Pushed into production by devout scientologist and canned ham John Travolta, he bites off more than he can chew, not just producing this disaster, but also starring in it as the evil Psychlo Terl. Chewing up the scenery, he is buried beneath possibly the most awkwardly designed alien costumes ever created. This decision nearly cost him his career. If you have two hours you'd like to waste on this trash, Battlefield Earth is streaming right now on Netflix. If you have more important things to do with your life, like, you know, ANYTHING ELSE BUT THIS, here's a clip.