CLASSICS OF CRAP: VOLUME 24-Hobgoblins

Welcome back gang, to another edition of Classics of Crap. Today we are looking at a really, really obscure movie called Hobgoblins. Originally made in 1988, I actually discovered this movie in a crappy, hole in the wall video store while I was in college. Amused by the box art, I watched it and couldn't believe how shockingly, howlingly, mindbendingly amateurish it was. (There are actually more than a few instances where the filmmakers literally forgot to remove the tape marks to indicate the spots where the actors need to stand.) I decided I had found a new unknown camp masterpiece, and I showed it to everyone I could drag to my apartment. Years later, I discovered that Mystery Science Theater 3000 did a great commentary track and I've watched it over and over. If you can track down an original copy of the movie, I would recommend it. There's some great scenes that aren't on the MST3K version, and every craptacular frame of this film is worth watching. I have seen this movie possibly more times than a human being should, and it earns my highest recommendation as a true Classic of Crap.

CLASSICS OF CRAP: VOLUME 23-Deep Blue Sea

Welcome back to Classics of Crap, where this week we are celebrating bad shark movies. Boy oh boy, was it hard to choose what to draw. There have been SO many good/bad ones, trying to pick just one to spotlight in this column was tough. Sure, there is sharksploitation camp like MegaShark Vs. Giant Octopus, or even one of the most laughably unscary shark attack movies ever made, Shark Attack 3: Megalodon. I eventually settled on a shark vs. human movie that people may have actually heard of. Deep Blue Sea was probably pitched as "Jaws on Crack", because that's how it feels at times. The movie stars supermodel Saffron Burrows (who the film wastes no time getting into her underwear), the awesomely underrated Thomas Jane, and Samuel L. Jackson, (essentially playing the part of the lawyer in Jurassic Park), and a foul mouthed parrot. The film is probably best remembered today for the way (SPOILER ALERT) that Samuel L. Jackson gets eaten. He meets his end in a supremely unexpected and hilarious way. I liked Deep Blue Sea as a campy action movie, but it is utterly preposterous and impossible to take very seriously. Best part: when the sharks introduce Stellen Starsgard to a pane of underwater glass.

CLASSICS OF CRAP: VOLUME 22-Reefer Madness

Hey potheads, and welcome back to Classics of Crap! This week's awesomely bad movie is the infamous 1936 anti-pot propaganda film, Reefer Madness, aka. Tell Your Children. Possibly the most well known of all the "educational" films of the 30's, Reefer Madness depicts several men and women trying pot for the first time. Like most people's first puff of the green stuff, nothing happens. Oh wait, I'm sorry. No, what I meant to say was that the tiniest bit of Mary Jane makes these people go absolute batshit crazy. Killing, molesting, hooking, more killing, gambling, even more killing and finally throwing themselves out of buildings. Cause, you know, pot makes you do that. Reefer Madness has gotten a fervent cult following over the years for its completely ludicrous depiction of smoking pot. In fact, in 2005 they actually made a musical spoof of it starring Kristen Bell and Neve Campbell. It's good, but no where near as entertaining as the real thing. With one watch, you'll be hopelessly addicted!

CLASSICS OF CRAP: VOLUME 21-The Island of Dr. Moreau

Hello out there to all you fans of crap cinema. For this week's Classics of Crap we are going to look at one of the embarrassing last movies of one of the all time acting greats. The Island of Dr. Moreau was one of Marlon Brando's strangest performances, acting in a muumuu and pancake makeup alongside a kooko for cocoa puffs Val Kilmer, and a ton of guys dressed as half men, half animals. You see, Brando plays a mad/evil(?) scientist that tries to perfect humanity by combining their DNA with that of animals. I would have read a few self help books, but be that as it may, his experiments don't end well. The "man-animals" (Terl, is that you?!?) revolt and take their revenge against him and his scientific hubris. The whole, don't mess around with nature or it will kill you story, but this time with hyena men firing uzis. This movie is so bananas insane wonky ridiculous, you can't help but enjoy it. Best part- anytime Dr. Moreau's creepy little assistant is around. This character was actually the inspiration for not only Mini Me in the Austin Powers franchise, but also the tiny sidekick character for Dr. Mephisto on South Park. Still not convinced to watch this movie? HE GETS NAKED. You're welcome.

Scribblin' away again

Some more breaktime sketches I do to stave off the crazy voices in my mind...

CLASSICS OF CRAP: VOLUME 20-Road House

Hey guys, and welcome back to an ass kicking, gut busting, rootin tootin new Classics of Crap. There were a lot of tough guy brawlin' movies in the 80's, but none of them has as much affection or appreciation than the hilariously bad Road House. An instant camp classic when it arrived in theaters in 1989, Road House is a ludicrous movie about a tough (but sensitive!) bar room bouncer who gets caught up in a whole plot of intrigue, including pissing off generic town bad guy Ben Gazzara. On the way, he falls for beautiful Kelly Lynch, while in the movies most random moment ever, a stuffed polar bear falls for a portly 'Bubba redneck' type guy. There is much to like in this overstuffed turkey. The one liners, such as "Pain don't hurt", are priceless. After watching it, you will be so juiced up, you may want to punch somebody. (Probably the filmmakers.) Pain may not hurt, but this movie will.

CLASSICS OF CRAP: VOLUME 19-Mannequin

Something that I've barely touched on in my Classics of Crap series is the romantic comedy. There are so many bad romantic comedies, it's actually kind of difficult to single out the worst of the worst. For some reason, Mannequin leapt to the top (or bottom?) of the pile for me. It is pure, unadulterated awful. The strange thing is, everyone I talked to about seems to have fond memories of this movie. I watched it again for the first time in almost 25 years and was surprised to find that it is far, far worse than I remembered. Only James Spader seems to get what kind of movie this is, and turns in a bizarrely hammy performance. Also, I gotta say, the theme song by Starship is a guilty pleasure, but the rest of the movie is just pathetic. Mannequin? More like ManneCAN'T! *rimshot*

Sketchbook doodles

Here are some more doodles from my sketchbook--and that's all I have to say about that.

CLASSICS OF CRAP: VOLUME 18-Last Action Hero

Hey guys and welcome back to Classics of Crap, where we shine a spotlight on cinema's greatest mistakes. Last Action Hero was a 1993 misfire that must have sounded GREAT on paper. It had the biggest action star in the world in a tongue in cheek action movie that was aware of all the clichés of said action movies. It paired Arnold with a kid, (it worked great in T2), and was loaded with celebrity cameos. Well, as history has shown, it was a dismal failure, due in no small part opening against Jurassic Park. But more than that, it showed that perhaps audiences weren't ready for a "meta" movie just yet. Scream, opening a few years later, was another movie that showed the characters in the film to be aware of movie clichés, but Scream still stood well just as a horror movie, even if you weren't already a fan of the genre. Last Action Hero just laid there, to in-jokey to be really funny to anyone but movie nerds, and not enough real action to satisfy action fans. With the exception of the always excellent Charles Dance as the villain, this movie has been relegated to the bottom of the $5 bin at your local Walmart. Plus, Austin O'Brian is the most annoying kid actor since Jake Lloyd.

CLASSICS OF CRAP: VOLUME 17-Santa Claus Conquers the Martians

Ho Ho Ho, and happy holidays, bad movie buffs! This week's Classic of Crap is an obscure 1964 stinker called Santa Claus Conquers the Martians. If you've seen this flick, you probably watched it on MST3K, as I did. It is unspeakably bad. Bad movies for adults are one thing, but once you enter the arena of watching bad movies made for kids, hooo boy. It's a whole different ball game.

So, about the movie. Martians kidnap Santa Claus and force him to give presents to the good little martian children. Santa, plus two obnoxious kids, fight them off with toys. There's also a giant robot. Yep. I really don't know what else to say about this one. It made me want to gouge my eyes out with a mellon baller. So, should you watch it? Hell no. Stay far away. Just watching the trailer will break your soul.

CLASSICS OF CRAP: VOLUME 16-The Lawnmower Man

Hey bad movie lovers, and welcome back to Classics of Crap. Today's crap movie is one that probably means a lot to you if you were a kid in the early 90's. I remember seeing The Lawnmower Man with friends at a mall in Chicago, and afterwords watching other kids use a virtual reality simulator they set up in the mall, very similar to what you saw in the movie. At the time virtual reality was quite a hot idea. You paid 40 bucks for a half hour of pretending you were in a virtual room picking up a virtual pencil, or blasting a virtual mech suit.

Lawnmower Man came right at the crest of the fad, trumpeting its revolutionary computer effects. Were they impressive at the time? Sure. Do they age well? Hell no. But ripping on a movie because of its outdated effects isn't fair. I'd rather champion this movie for all it does right. For example: Virtual Reality possessed monkey getting blown away! Guy getting chopped up by a lawnmower! Virtual sex scene! Bad guy's face getting turned into marbles! Priest bursting into digital flame! Incredible homosexual tension between the two male leads! Wait, what? Yup. If you haven't seen Lawnmower Man in a while, go back and rewatch what could possibly be the most overt sexual tension between two guys since Lord of the Rings. Check it out, and I'll be back next week for another Classic of Crap!

Sketching away again

Some more pages of breaktime sketches...

CLASSICS OF CRAP: VOLUME 15-Plan 9 From Outer Space

Welcome movie nerds, and thanks for reading my 15th edition of Classics of Crap, where every week we take a look at cinema's finest failures. "Plan 9 From Outer Space" is probably the best known "so-bad-it's good" movie ever. Made in the 50's by Ed Wood, it was pretty much ignored until the early 80's, when it was famously dubbed, "The worst movie ever made", and garnered a whole new following from college stoners to ironic hipsters. I first saw this flick in college on video and I thought it was pretty awesomely terrible. There were so many bad 50's b-movies, but this one really stood out to me as being more incompetent than most. (Best part: recently zombified slab of beef Tor Johnson struggling to get out of a grave.) The 1994 film Ed Wood, which shed some light on the making of this movie, really piqued my interest in Ed Wood, and gave a little context to the making of his cinematic disasters. Should you watch it? Definitely. It makes a great double feature with Ed Wood's next best film, "Bride of the Monster". If you don't think you can watch the movie by itself, Rifftrax has a great commentary DVD on it that makes the pill a little less bitter. But really, this movie is awesome. You'd have to have a stupid Earthling mind to miss it. Stupid! Stupid! Stupid!

CLASSICS OF CRAP: VOLUME 14-Manos, the Hands of Fate

Well, here we are at last. One of the foulest cinematic turds of all time. Manos, the Hands of Fate is by itself, virtually unwatchable, but I, and I'm sure most people have seen it with the brilliant Mystery Science Theater commentary track playing at the bottom of the screen. Where do I begin? The movie looks like a snuff film, is one of the most technically incompetent movies ever made, and routinely makes the lists of the worst films of all time. I first saw this MST3K episode in college, and it quickly became one of my favorites. What can you say about Torgo, the half man, half drunken satyr/housekeeper? And how about Tom Neyman as "The Master" sporting the brilliant costume of a black robe with two red hands on them? Holy God, just thinking of this movie makes me want to drink bleach.

Watch a clip...if you dare...

Warmup sketchin'

Before I start drawing, I find it relaxing to draw cartoons of faces I see in magazines. Here are some of the drawings that I am not horribly embarrassed to show. Stay tuned---another Classic of Crap is coming soon!!

CLASSICS OF CRAP: VOLUME 13-Ilsa, She Wolf of the SS

Hey guys! Welcome back to Classics of Crap, where we dig up cinema's finest garbage.

The early 70's brought a strange resurgence of Nazi imagery to pop culture from the satirical (The Producers), the psychological (The Night Porter), to the exploitational. Ilsa, She Wolf of the SS was the first of several Ilsa movies that I caught a few years back on video. Like most mondo cinema, these bizarre Nazi torture porn movies were all about degrading and objectifying women. I found a lot of what was in them really distasteful, but since the movie is so over the top, it because almost humorous. My favorite Ilsa movie, "Ilsa, Harem Keeper of the Oil Sheiks" is actually quite hilarious and features a German caricature being offered a young boy to, um, service him. He protests, acting as if he is in a sitcom, proclaiming he is not gay. Then, when the boy takes off his clothes, he changes his mind. Hey, what are you gonna do, right?
I actually don't recommend watching these. They are pretty hardcore, especially for squeamish viewers, but if you are in the mood to see some goofy topless Nazis torturing and killing, knock yourself out.

Yep. More sketches

Sorry to take a break from Classics of Crap, but I wanted to share a few fun sketches from our breaktime drawing jams at work:

CLASSICS OF CRAP: VOLUME 12-TRANSYLVANIA 6-5000

Welcome back to Classics of Crap, another sojourn into the wild world of awful, but great, but awful films.

I love monster mash movies. When I was a kid, I adored Abbot and Costello Meet Frankenstein, The Monster Squad, Son of Frankenstein, anything that paired up classic monsters. There was something so whimsical about them. For me, they had lost the power to scare, and had, by the mid 80's, been relegated to only spoofs. Enter the barely remembered Transylvania 6-5000, a hokey monster goofball flick starring Ed Junior Begley and Gold Jeffblum, if I'm remembering that right.

And then there's Michael Richards. As a kid, I thought his wild antics were the zenith of comedy. After reviewing the movie again, well, not so much. Still, there is much to like, such as Geena Davis' 'sexy' vampire costume. A few of the one liners are pretty memorable, like "I never counted on bazonkers!" I have fond memories watching this movie over and over as a kid, nearly pissing myself laughing. Watching it again, i think I cracked a smile once or twice. It's the perfect movie to watch after a lobotomy.

CLASSICS OF CRAP: VOLUME 11-STOP! OR MY MOM WILL SHOOT

Welcome back again, dear readers, to another edition of Classics of Crap, where every week I take a look at one famously awful movie and illustrate it.

Sylvester Stallone has made some terrible, terrible movies. Rhinestone, Judge Dredd, Assassins, Daylight, Oscar, The Specialist, The Expendables, etc etc. But of all the lousy films he's made, Sly (according to IMDB), thinks that Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot is his biggest failure. That pretty much says all you need to know.

This movie is mostly remembered as the one with Golden Girl, Estelle Getty holding a handgun and swearing. But it is so, SO much more. It has endless, repetitive jokes about moms talking about their grown sons when they were babies, hilariously bad action scenes, Stallone in a diaper, and possibly the worst tag/joke at the end of a movie I've ever seen. What is it? I'll never tell. So, should you track this movie down and watch it? Heavens, why not. It's not like you are doing anything else this weekend.

CLASSICS OF CRAP: VOLUME 10-BATTLEFIELD EARTH

Hey guys, and welcome back to Classics of Crap, where I illustrate one of my favorite so-bad-it's-great movies every week. For my money, you can't have a list of crappy movies without including John Travolta's epic sci-fi clusterf**k, Battlefield Earth. Set in the year 3000, this would-be epic pits the last few remaining humans against a race of conquering aliens called Psychlos. Because the humans have regressed back to an almost primitive state, you could have almost called this movie "Cavemen vs. Aliens". That sounds pretty awesome, but alas, what is on the screen is nothing short of a hilarious cinematic disaster.

Much ink has been spilled over how bad this movie is, so I won't delve to deeply into criticizing the direction, the acting, etc. What I will say is that it makes for a spectacular lesson in celebrity schadenfreude. Pushed into production by devout scientologist and canned ham John Travolta, he bites off more than he can chew, not just producing this disaster, but also starring in it as the evil Psychlo Terl. Chewing up the scenery, he is buried beneath possibly the most awkwardly designed alien costumes ever created. This decision nearly cost him his career. If you have two hours you'd like to waste on this trash, Battlefield Earth is streaming right now on Netflix. If you have more important things to do with your life, like, you know, ANYTHING ELSE BUT THIS, here's a clip.